Confusion techniques are often very sneaky. They’re designed to make you feel disoriented—and that’s exactly the point. You might start with a simple question, but instead of getting an answer, you find yourself reflecting on the counter-questions you’ve been asked. This causes cognitive dissonance (confusion), shifting the focus from the person you questioned to you and your actions. In my book, I’ve outlined the various reasons why someone might consciously or unconsciously use this technique. The main motivation is usually to avoid taking personal responsibility.
Let me show you an example of how spirituality and self-help can also be woven into this kind of dynamic.
Imagine you ask someone a question that they perceive as criticism or accusation, even though you're genuinely seeking an explanation. An explanation gives you insight into the other person’s reasoning, and can lead to connection and mutual understanding.
Your question:
“Why didn’t you tell me about this?”
Now imagine the response is:
“Which part of your inner child is being triggered that you feel the need to ask this?”
You think: Huh?
And then they add:
“An argument is never really about the thing it appears to be about.”
Again you think: Huh? Argument? I just asked a question. Inner child?
You start reflecting on similar situations and trying to interpret what they might mean.
These days, it's trend (and often healthy) to explore your own emotions and what’s being triggered before confronting someone. But it shouldn’t turn into a question-evading tactic that the other person uses to avoid answering. In this case, you end up doing the work. Meanwhile, your original question has quietly been dismissed.
Even though the phrases might sound deeply spiritual and seem to show interest in your inner world, be aware: this is notan emotionally mature response, but rather a manipulative technique.
Why is it manipulative? Because the other person places themselves above you by taking on the role of teacher, guru, or parent figure, thereby avoiding being questioned themselves.
Unless you're in an actual therapeutic setting with a professional, responding to a direct question with a counter-question like this (before answering) isn’t okay. Even if everything the other person says about projection and inner child dynamics is technically correct, the manipulation lies in the power imbalance.
By subtly placing the questioner in an inferior position, the one being questioned steps into the “wise” role, making you feel smaller (as though you’re a child again) and less likely to press the issue.
They’re not answering. Instead, they’re questioning your question, suggesting it only arises from your childhood wounds and has nothing to do with their behavior.
Suddenly, you’re the one who has to justify yourself, not them.
This is a shift in power: You're no longer the one seeking clarity—you've become the problem.
Throw in some psychological jargon like “inner child” and “projection,” and it can make you start doubting your own reality. Your brain tries to resolve the contradiction, and might even start siding with them. And that is exactly the goal.
In your state of confusion, you find yourself staring into your cup of tea, still deep in thought about your inner child and the supposed layers beneath your simple question.
Then comes the closing statement:
“Would you rather sit there staring into your tea than be in the arms of someone who loves you?”
(Assuming this is happening in a romantic relationship.)
Where’s the manipulation here?
This statement creates a false dilemma:
If you keep asking questions, it apparently means you’re rejecting love.
You're being cornered emotionally, made to feel guilty for needing clarity. Your emotions are being steered so you stop thinking critically.
In the confusion, the other person might embrace you or kiss you.
They think: Well, that’s resolved.
You think… absolutely nothing......
Because by now, you’re too mentally fogged to even process it—and chances are, they have now triggered those childhood wounds after all.
This state of confusion is called cognitive dissonance.
And if, a few hours later, you regain enough clarity to circle back to your original question, and you ask it again, you’re met with anger—used now to intensify the pressure and introduce a different emotional manipulation technique: “You’re always looking for drama! I thought we already talked about this! You just can’t let things go!”
This reaction is strategic, not spontaneous. Anger here functions as an intimidation tool. The goal is to shut you down emotionally by making you feel:
Guilty (“You’re always dramatic.”)
Inadequate (“You can’t let anything go.”)
Like a burden (“You’re exhausting.”)
It’s a pressure tactic. The hope is that you'll back off, feel bad, and drop the subject—not because it’s resolved, but because you’re afraid to push further.
The reality?
There was never a real conversation—on the contrary, confusion and drama were used to avoid answering a simple question. Everything was aimed at dodging responsibility.
Everything is a copingstrategie and people continue doing this as long as it gives results. So what can you do about it? Since shifting the problem back onto you is the core manipulation, the best counter-strategy is to return to the heart of the issue:
“That’s an interesting question about my inner child, but it’s not relevant right now. My question is about your choice not to tell me something. Why did you do that?”
By refusing to be pulled into the distraction, you gently but firmly hold the other person accountable and steer the conversation back to the original issue.
What if the next strategie shows up: The You’re always looking for drama! I thought we already talked about this! You just can’t let things go!” What can you do next?
Name the shift without engaging the heat:
“I notice you’re getting angry, but that doesn’t answer the question.”
This keeps the focus on behavior and refuses to be baited.
Stand firm and calm:
“You may not like the question, but it’s still valid. I’m asking it because it matters to me.”
You’re signaling: I won’t match your anger, but I won’t abandon myself either
Refuse the guilt bait:
“I’m not creating drama. I’m asking for honesty, and that’s reasonable in a healthy relationship.”
Call out the manipulation without attacking back.
Use boundaries as your exit plan:
If the anger becomes too intense or abusive, you can pause the interaction:
“I’m willing to have this conversation when we can both stay respectful. Let’s take a break.”
You need to protect your clarity and safety. So if you see an escalation of anger, get out and remove yourself from the situation.
When someone uses anger to shut down your question, it’s not just emotional dysregulation—it’s often a deliberate form of control. It’s meant to make you feel like you’re the problem for asking questions, when in fact you’re simply seeking truth.
You are allowed to want clarity.
You are allowed to ask direct questions.
You are not responsible for someone else’s discomfort with accountability.
If they can't handle your question without resorting to confusion, spiritual bypassing, or anger—it says more about them than it ever could about you.
The truth is:
When someone uses spiritual language to deflect accountability and then escalates to anger when that doesn’t work, they’re not being emotionally mature or evolved—they’re weaponizing emotional language to protect themselves from discomfort. And that isn’t love. That’s control in a soft, flowy robe.
You weren’t asking for a fight.
You were asking to be seen. To be answered. To be met.
And when someone can’t do that, they may try to make you feel crazy for even trying.
You’re not crazy.
You’re clear.
And that clarity? It’s powerful. That’s why it triggered them because someone that our clarity, your calmness, and your refusal to be manipulated threaten a fragile system they’ve built to protect themselves from discomfort, guilt, or shame. I'll explain why and you can read more in my book Changing your lifeloop about it (soon in English).
You’re not yelling. You’re not accusing. You’re just holding up a mirror and for someone who is emotionally immature, egocentric and avoidant. Because in that mirror, they catch a glimp of what they've spent a lifetime avoiding: their own: selfishness, avoidance, inconsistency, fear of confrontation and lack of integrity. That reflection creates cognitive dissonance the similar feeling they are trying to give you. It is a painful clash between who they believe they are and what their actions actually reveal.
They need you to see it their way—desperately.
Because if you don’t, the fragile version of themselves they’ve constructed begins to crack.
That’s why your clarity, your question, or even your silence can feel threatening to them.
It forces them to confront the gap between who they think they are and how they actually behave.
And instead of facing that truth, they try to bend your perception to match their version of events.
Reactie schrijven